A snow storm is like anxiety

I have lived in Missouri nearly my entire life.  Each year we have at least one major snow of ice storm that moves through.  Yes, the winter weather puts a cramp in my daily life, but it is almost always manageable.  Even when it's a big storm, facing the foot of snow to be shoveled or the few days of cabin fever isn't too bad when looked at with a positive attitude.
On Tuesday, the Kansas City area was hit with a winter storm.  Not a blizzard, but we did get about 11 inches of fluffy, sparkly snow.
The day before, on Monday, I had several errands to run and it was then that it struck me that the way some people handle an impending snow storm is very similar to how those living with anxiety may handle their day-to-day lives.
A few people that I crossed paths with didn't seem troubled by the snow much at all.  "It will either snow or not.  It's just weather."  Was the attitude of some, and my attitude as well. 
 [Thanks to 4 years of cognitive behavioral therapy ;)]
Then there are the other reactions.  People talking incessantly about what time the snow will start.  Should a class or event several days away be cancelled?  How dare an employer expect its employees to be at work.  All of these conversations happening while the sun is still shining and the storm has not even begun to develop over the western plains.
I had to stop by the grocery store to drop off milk bottles, not really thinking about how crowded it may be.  I had hoped to pick up chocolate milk per a request from E, but after waiting nearly 10 minutes just to return bottles and seeing the long lines at the checkout, opted to wait.
As I looked at the people buying frozen pizzas, bags of chips and cases of soda, I couldn't help but wonder if their pantry at home was truly bare.  Yes, it is nice to have all of the comfort foods you crave, but I always think that, if we were in an emergency, we could survive off of the 5 lb bag of lentils, 6 boxes of mac and cheese, and the Costco bag of fish sticks.  The people that frequent grocery stores the day before a storm can't be much worse off than that.
When my anxiety was at it's worse, I felt like Chicken Little.  Always waiting for and anticipating the next disaster.  To allow yourself to do that robs you of the precious joyful moments of life.
To face an incoming snow storm with dread and fear is much the same.  Enjoy the sunny day before hand.  Make sure you have enough to get by if you can't or don't want to drive for a few days, but don't get so caught up in the weather that you are a nervous wreck.  I have been there, cowering in my basement during tornado season while others finish up their grilling and yard work as the rain starts to fall.
It's okay to be prepared.  But don't become obsessed. 

Irrational Thought Thursday

This is only the second of these posts that I have done.
I think they are fun because it really helps to hear other peoples what-if's and it can help to feel less weird to know I am not the only one with random fears and worries.
An irrational thought or fear can be fleeting or can take over your everyday.  The latter would be considered OCD.  I have been there, but am fortunately in a place now where my irrational thoughts or few and far between and very fleeting.
We ALL have irrational thoughts or fears.  It is being able to know that it is irrational and improbable that is important.
So, I would absolutely love it if you share yours below.
It could be therapeutic, funny or just plain fun.  Similar to the "5 Random Things About Me" posts from Instagram, except it is a quirky thought that flew in, and right back our, of your head.

My allergies have been really bad this week so last night I decided to try an epsom salt bath.  I know, I know, epsom salts aren't really shown to improve allergies. BUT, they may pull toxins out of the skin, they relieve aches and pains and so I thought it couldn't hurt.
I had also taken two Advil to relieve the aches and pains I suffer with seasonal allergies.
So, what is the irrational thought?
Well, the warm water felt so good (I also tossed in a minty bath salt) and my pain was going away and, I thought:

"What if I fall asleep in here and drown?"

Have you noticed all irrational thoughts start with a "What if?"

I quickly told myself that I would most definitely not fall asleep.  Yes, I was comfy.  Yes, the bath was relaxing.  But I had taken Advil, not Nyquil.  And I am usually so antsy in the tub that I read for 2 minutes, stretch a few minutes, move my neck around and then it's time to get out. 
This was my first official Epsom Soak and I did enjoy it.  The warm water did help to clear my sinuses and my skin feels great.  If the massive amounts of blog posts I Googled are correct, then my body should have soaked in some extra magnesium and had toxins pulled from my skin.  And, I stayed awake the entire time.

Alright.  How about you?
Have any irrational thoughts lately?  Care to share?

Irrational Thought Thursday

Okay, so, I feel like the term OCD gets abused and overused and it is really quite unfair to those that have OCD.
You like a clean house?  Not OCD.
You can't leave your hours or go to sleep because your heart is racing and you are panicked because one dish was left on the counter?  OCD
You drive around the block 1 time to make sure your garage door is closed?  Not OCD.
You watch your garage door close.  Wait 30 seconds to make sure.  Drive away and then wonder if it is closed.  An hour later you ask your kids if it closed.  You then picture it being open, a psychopath walking in and hiding in your closet, waiting to kill you.  OCD
You see children playing in the street and worry they will get hurt.  Not OCD.
You see children playing in a fenced in yard, well supervised, and worry that one of them is going to get attacked.  OCD

No, I don't have all of the irrational thoughts listed above.  Thank God.  But I do have a handful of my own.  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is not just about cleaning or coughing three times in a row.  It can be an obsessive thought you can't shake, it can be irrational thinking that you know is silly but you still worry about it.

A quote from the book "The Woman Who Thought Too Much" by Joanne Limburg, describing the typical OCD sufferer:

 "law-abiding, conscientious, exquisitely self-conscious and excruciatingly eager to please. We set ourselves the highest standards, and we are disgusted with ourselves when we don't live up to them. We are for ever scanning our own faces for flaws and other people's faces for signs of disapproval. We cannot forgive ourselves for ever having acted stupidly; we cannot bear to make a mistake. We can be destroyed by the merest hint of criticism, but we criticise ourselves all the time."

That pretty much sums it up.

Alright.  So, if I continue with Irrational Thought Thursday it probably won't be as wordy.  I just wanted to give you an idea of where these posts are coming from.

Today's irrational thought?
Ordering t-shirts.  Huh?  
You know when you have to order a t-shirt for as a group?  For a sports team, a race, a school club.
It is baseball season and I have ordered a couple shirts for E and L's teams.
I order a small.  Unisex size small.
I have to tell the person in charge of ordering that I want a small.  When I tell the my size I always think that they are thinking "Whoa.  What?  She definitely needs to order a size up."
Then, even worse, when I wear the shirt to the games I feel like whoever saw the order form, and that I got a small, is looking at me, looking at the shirt, and seeing fat rolls or at least bunching and tightness and thinks "Yowzers.  Why did she order that size?"
I know, I know.  It's irrational!  I shouldn't project my insecure thoughts onto others, that probably aren't thinking anything about my size and aren't even listening to what I order.  Don't worry, my therapy dollars have worked and I can step back and see that it is silly.
BUT.
It doesn't stop me from thinking the thought.  I think it.  But I don't obsess over it. Too much.  I asked JF.  And my mom.  You know, just to see what they thought.  And then I let it go.  Well, and then I took some pictures and blogged about it.  And NOW I am letting it go :)

Do you have any irrational thoughts that you know are silly?

Okay, fine.  Tell me...does the shirt look tight? When you see me do you think I need a medium or large?  

Happy Irrational Thought Thursday!

Let's Be Friends Week 5

Seriously?  I have already been doing this 5 weeks?  Where o where did the time go?
Click here to get caught up!

Beautiful view of KC from the Kauffman Center!

I had a really fun day yesterday with my silver BFF.  Some of you may remember that I have called her my old lady BFF before, but I feel that silver is nicer.  I will have to run it by her :)

We went to see the musical "Hair" yesterday, which, for those of you that don't know, is set in the late sixties and follows a group of hippies dealing with the Vietnam draft.  I remember my mom talking quite a bit about the musical when I was younger and that she had seen it in the height of it's popularity/controversy, so when my SBFF asked if I wanted to go I was excited.


A little backstory here:  A few years ago my SBFF's husband passed away.  It was the same summer that my anxiety was really bad.  That next fall she invited me to go with her to use season tickets to a fine arts performance series that she and her husband had purchased.  That is really how we went from being Pilates teacher/student to friends.  For a while there I hated driving long distances, going out past dark, being far from home and not knowing when I would be getting home.  I always have loved driving so the fact that I was "scared" of it was so aggravating.   It was the anxiety mixed with my low blood sugar and it made me miserable.  So her asking me to do this was a big assignment for me for overcoming my anxiety.  I would talk on my phone to JF or a friend for the 15 minute drive to and from her house.  While we were at the performance I would try to make myself just enjoy the experience.  And I did--I saw greats like Renee Fleming and Joshua Bell--lucky me!

On the road.  No fear!

Over the course of the half year or so I grew as a person and conquered my fears.

Yesterday was a nice moment to step back and reflect on how far I have come.  I wasn't nervous to drive to her house.  I was perfectly fine going to the "big city" and I am back to feeling like the 20 minute drive is super quick rather than torturous and long.
I didn't ask myself if I felt "real" ONE time.  We went to dinner and then shopping.  No panicky feelings  of wondering when I would get home.  I was anxiety-free and felt very much like my old, pre-panicky self.  It.  Was.  Great.

Shopping!

Alright...now onto the questions for YOU.  Since I just shared a bit about overcoming a hurdle in my life, I want to know about something you have overcome.  I know not everyone likes talking about internal feelings, so these answers can be very light if you would like.  A fear of spiders.  Not liking tomatoes.  Becoming more organized...whatever you feel up to sharing.


1.  What is something you used to be afraid of or that held you back?
Being 20-30 miles from home, my blood sugar being low causing me to panic and then, somehow not being able to get home.  I know it sounds silly, but most anxiety sufferers are scared of things that sound silly to others.

2.  How did you overcome this?
I forced myself, slowly but surely, to step outside of my comfort zone.  I went to musical performances with my SBFF.  I made spa appointments and lunch dates.  I emailed my therapist when I wanted to chicken out or called a good friend when feeling panicky on my drive.  And guess what?  It felt great each time I made it home.  And I always made it home.  Just fine.

3.  Do you still have problems with this?
Yes, but not to the same extent.  Before heading out I do sometimes want to "just stay home" but I never let it keep me from making plans.  I think most people would rather be on their couch than out and about, and that is where I am now.  It's fun to go out, I have always loved it and I am pretty much back to that!

As always, thanks for stopping by!  If you are a blogger write a post and join the link up.  Don't be afraid....wink wink.
If you are not a blogger, leave me your answers in the comment section below.

Thanks for being a friend!

I love restrooms at fine arts buildings...such great lighting.  Am I right?

Sally
ps-if you write a post and enter it in the link-up box but it does not post, please let me know!

These fears are not new to me

I wasn't going to blog about this.  Like every other person on this planet, I was absolutely horrified by the events that took place on Friday, and, while I do blog about dealing with fear, panic and all sorts of emotions, I didn't feel like this was a subject I wanted to bring up.  I mean, in a situation like this, you have doctors, therapists, religious leaders...all sorts of experts...helping us to get through.  But all weekend, and especially today, I see my friends and acquaintances struggling.  And isn't that the point of me sharing my experiences with anxiety?  To help others deal with theirs?  Like I always have said, if I can help just one person by sharing what I go through, then it is worth it.  Maybe this will help you.


The fears people are dealing with right now are not new to me.  Part of what I deal with is fear and anxiety mixed with OCD and magical thinking.  Huh?  Basically, I get anxious about something, I then obsess over it, and I use magical thinking to try and make myself feel better, but then only feel worse.

Magical thinking is something most of us do.  It's more or less harmless most of the time: "If I wear my lucky socks my team is going to win." or "If I imagine myself winning the race, I will."
Neither of those statements are true, but it helps us feel good, right?

It's when magical thinking becomes too obsessive that it can be a bad thing.  For years I thought if I could imagine the worst possible situations then they would never happen.  Prior to taking a trip I would imagine my plane crashing into the ocean...things along those lines.
I remember the night before E started preschool I suddenly remembered the Russian Beslan school hostage crisis.  Explosions, gun fire, casualties.  I was panicked.  How could I send my baby to school when things like that happen?  So, yes, I have imagined the worst.
I have imagined my children being shot.
I have imagined a gunman coming into my Pilates class.
I have imagined coming home to my find my family inside a carbon monoxide filled home.
I have imagined both of the boys schools, under attack, worst case scenario.  In addition I have imagined just about every horrible event that could happen to my children.   It sounds like a very tortured existence, but for me it was absolutely normal.  It was how my day would play out.  
Brush my teeth.
Eat breakfast.
Picture my child in a fiery bus crash.
Head to work.
So on and so forth.  I can speak of it here easily but, trust me, I know how serious this is.  It took over my day-to-day life until there was no room for anything else except for anxiety and worry.

There is a big part of me, and I am sure a big part of everyone, that just wants to say "Screw this. We live in a world where a horrible thing like this happens?  I don't want  try and deal with it.  I just want to quit everything and stay home." And that thought is completely natural right now.  But it is also natural that we need to return to our lives.

So now what?

What I can do today is give you advice for how to try and stop the what if thinking.  To try and help you deal with the fear that is gripping all of us.

• Think of how many people went to school and work on Friday and made it safely home.  At first it sounds uncaring, but it is necessary to do if you just can't get past your fear.  Think of all of the schools, all of the children and teachers, that had more or less normal days and went home.  That number greatly surpasses the number of those that didn't.

• Mass shootings seem to be happening at an alarming rate, it's frightening to go anywhere.  But again, think of the actual chances that you will be at a mall, at a school, at a gas station when it happens.  Do you want to let the very small chance of that happening to you keep you and your loved ones from going out and enjoying life?  

• Say what you are afraid of out loud.  Whether it is to a friend or family member, or just to yourself.  By actually saying what you are afraid of it makes it less scary.  Then continue the dialogue.  You will be surprised how much just saying your fears out loud will help you.

Imagining the worst, spending your days and nights in a state of worry, will not protect you or your family, it will only rob you of valuable moments in time that you will never get back.  
Look at your daily life objectively.  
What are the actual chances of the things you fear happening?
Keep your eyes and ears open for people around you that may be struggling.
Talk about what is troubling you and listen when your friends or family are troubled.
I have learned how to deal with my fears and worries.  How to stop the magical thinking.  But I will tell you this:
Although I am just as guilty as the next person of spending too much time on my phone, saying no to playing Memory for the 67th time, sighing when I have to tie a shoe, I do...

• Smell my children's hair and breath every chance I get.
• Hold JF's, E and L's hands as often as possible.
• Dance and laugh and have fun with my children each day.
• Tell them I think they are perfect and magical.

These little things, that's really all we can do.

And just like that...panic!

Maybe you have already read my post about our trip to Springfield.  Yes, it was a fun family get-away. But I also had a near-panic attack.  I like to share about how I deal with panic and anxiety because I hope that you, the reader, will find it helpful.

On Friday Levi was sneezing and had a runny nose.  We figured it was allergies but, as I was packing, I instinctively went to pack the children's ibuprofen, just in case.  As I did, I realized it had expired last May.  JF and I decided not to pack it, and to buy it if we needed it once we arrived.

So, we arrived, Levi was fine, just sniffly.  We shopped, ate and had a great evening.  Once he fell asleep, though, he began to toss, turn, moan, groan and even cry in his sleep.  These are all signs that he is achy/running a small fever.  Around 1:00 am he was to a point where he was crying but still asleep, but his crying woke me up.  I decided to run to find an open Walgreen's or grocery store.  I tend to be a (much) lighter sleeper than JF so I volunteered to go.  Once I got in the car I had that half-awake "not real" feeling that I absolutely despise.  I pressed on, figuring it would go away once I was driving.  The grocery store across from the hotel was closed.  I thought that I had seen a CVS not far from the hotel so I headed in that direction.  

Here is what my inner-dialogue sounded like:
"Oh, geez, I feel groggy.  What if I wreck the car?  What if I can't keep driving and have to pull over?  What if I fall asleep at the wheel?"
Those type of questions kept going through my head, along with knowing that I needed to be strong and find L some medicine.  I started to get that dry mouth, sweaty/clammy, heart-racing feeling.  I wanted to turn around and go back to the hotel, cry, and let JF go back out.  But that would have been stupid.  I was already out.  It was 1:15 in the morning.  And...I was approximately 1.5 miles from my hotel.  Funny how anxiety really does make the world so, so small.

I came to the CVS.  It was closed.  Ack!  So, I kept going, towards the busy shopping district, again, only about 2 miles from the hotel.  I was using my CBT thinking as best as I could, telling myself that I was awake, that I wouldn't need to pull over, that never, ever would I fall asleep while driving in this fight-or-flight mode I had put myself in.  When I reached the store-filled intersection and still no 24 hour shops to be seen, I made the decision to try the gas station that was directly across from the hotel.  I turned around and headed back.  While I was alone in my car it was easy to ignore the other cars out and feel completely isolated, like I was the only one in the world.  But lets remember, I was in a college town, on a Friday night, and it was "only" 1:15 am.

So, I get to the gas station, still feeling fuzzy and not really expecting a place with the name "Kum&Go" to have childrens medicine.  But, lo and behold, they did!  I was still feeling panicked, but had to step back and laugh at myself as the hipster kid with the undone tie and his Tapout shirt wearing friend were in front of me buying beer and cigarettes.  I half wanted to say "Hurry up, I am having a panic attack!" and the other half of me was wondering how many gas stations I wandered around in the middle of the night on the way home from a bar, oblivious to a panicked parent behind me.  I bought the Advil, walking out as the kid behind me was purchasing a pint of...something.

I was definitely calmed down in that moment, while also being hit with a ton of bricks that I truly am past my prime.  I often see posts online about "snuggling on the couch with my kiddos, watching a movie...this is my new Friday night."  Usually posted by people around my age, with kids, all that jazz. Yes, that is one sign of adulthood, parenthood, what have you.  But I think you truly know that there is no going back when it's 1:15 am and having to go buy children's medicine in a 2 MILE RADIUS of your hotel sends you into a panic.  And that is okay.  There was no better feeling in the world than arriving, safe and sound, quelling all "what-if" questions about doom and death, at my hotel to give my gizzle guy his medicine.  And knowing that I didn't give in to anxiety.

Please.  Just buy your beer and get out of my way!

In the parking lot, safely "home", I knew this was a bloggable moment
and, of course, snapped a picture :)

Getting out the door

Sometimes the hardest part of the day can be getting to where you need to go.

When my anxiety was bad a couple years ago just getting to the grocery store or to work was hard.  I just wanted to stay at home.  There was just an underlying fear of being away from home.  As I have said before, anxiety makes your world very small, and I am always trying to do the exact opposite.  I want my world to be big and full.  It comes pretty easy to me now, but when I was first working with Dr. S we would spend an entire session devising plans on how to get me out and going without any major panic. It wasn't always easy, and I sometimes found myself emailing Dr. S with last-minute questions.  I have heard from several people that they have the same anxiety problems, so today I would like to share a few tips on what has helped me:



Ask yourself why you don't want to go.
You may be coming up with all of these great excuses as to why you can't or shouldn't go to a birthday party, grocery shopping, or karaoke night.  But really think about why you don't want to go.  If you can't come up with a good, solid reason to stay home, such as you are running a fever or your oven is on fire, then you should probably try to get out.  If given the choice I think most of us would stay in our pajama pants and watch NetFlix all day and night, but we have to get out there and socialize.  With real people in the real world.


Okay...so the answer to why you don't want to leave the house is that you are scared.  Now what?
Again, list what you are scared of.  What worked for me was asking myself a series of questions:

• Is someone currently trying to attack or hurt me?
• Do I know for a fact that I will be hit by a car, faint, get sick, or have something terrible happen?
• Is anything scary currently happening?

Chances are you will be able to answer all of those questions with a "no."  Instead of thinking of all the scary things that could happen try to think of all the great things that will happen.

Now you are in your car...now what?

The drive itself used to be hard for me.  So much time to sit and think about bad things happening.  So I have come up with ways to stay *safely* distracted:

• Call someone.  Using headphones or speaker phone, of course, give someone a call.  Your mom, your best friend, an aquaintance that you know that loves to chat.  Talking with someone has gotten me from Point A to Point B so many times.  If it is someone that understands your anxiety, tell them why you are calling...they may have some tips.  If not, just call!  No need to explain why.  For all the person knows you just want to check in.
• Music.  Sounds like a no-brainer, and it is.  Pick a favorite album, station, or podcast and listen away.  Before you know it you will be to your destination.
• Breathe.  Think yoga breathing and take deep breaths.  Think about each inhale and exhale.  Count each breath if you would like.  This will help you to remain focused and calm.

When you are afraid to go out, to drive, to be away from home, I know how hard it is.  And I know if you are struggling right now this post definitely falls under the "easier said than done" category.  But give it a try.  Start small.  Make little goals to reach and you will feel AMAZING when you reach those goals.

Tis the season to be cluttered

So I sat next to my Christmas tree and cried today.  Now, before you go conjuring up images of sweet little Sally sitting next to her tree, remembering Christmas past and being joyful for the present...don't.
I was a sweating, panting mess, crying out of frustration like a toddler rather than tearing up over the beauty of the season. 
I am going to be honest here.  I do love Christmas.  I think twinkling lights are absolutely magical.  I love shopping and wrapping and giving and receiving gifts.  I love baking and visiting Santa and snuggling my kiddos.  What don't I love?  The Christmas clutter!  I thrive when I am in a clean, organized environment and when all of the decorations come out, suddenly my house feels like that scene in Star Wars when Chewy and the gang are getting ready to be compacted.  My walls literally start closing in.  But I am not one to sit back and be frustrated, annoyed, depressed or whatever.  I am my own therapist!  (fist in air)  So, after we got the decorations out and the clutter began to take over and I started to feel smothered, I thought about what I could do to fix those feelings.
Re-organize the layout of the living room!  Okay!  Sounds great.  So yesterday I moved the furniture a bit.  But it didn't help.  So today I tried again.  Moving the couch, loveseat and the tree itself.  Only the tree stand wasn't put together the right way so the tree fell to one side.  A lot.  I was stuck under the tree, pulling, pushing, but the screws in the tree stand would budge.  I wanted to throw the tree across the room.  But instead, I sat back, pounded my fists on the floor, and cried a few tears of frustration.  And it felt great!
Along the lines of Primal Scream Therapy, I let my emotions out.  And then moved on.  I took the tree apart, fixed the stand, fixed the furniture, and sped to pick L up from school.  In my mind I hated the new layout and was still harboring a little frustration.  But, upon arriving home, I looked around and I really kind of like it.
I want to feel guilty for disliking my Christmas decorations.  I should be the smiling Queen of Christmas, with decorations sparkling, not noticing that every inch is covered with something.  But that's not me.  And it's not a lot of people.  Whether you think it is the most wonderful time of the year or not, you don't have to like every single aspect of the season.
Don't let your expectations of how you "should" be ruin who you really are.  I prefer a minimalist approach to decorations, but I love to bake and share.  I love to craft fun gifts for my friends and family.  There are Christmas-y things that I am really good at!
What are your favorite and not so favorite things about the holidays?

Finding a Psychologist - Part 2

Before I get started with part 2, I should mention that all of this took place nearly 3 years ago.  The bad psychologist, finding my current (and great!) psychologist.  I am currently going to therapy as needed, a big step!  More on that soon, but I just wanted to share with you that, as of right now, I am doing great!

My therapist diagnosed me as normal!  Woo hoo!

Alright.  So, I knew that I needed to find a psychologist to help me work through my problems with anxiety.  But where to start?  I had a list of names that consisted of doctors that took my insurance.  I had been told that I should look for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, a form of therapy that teaches you how to look at situations objectively and essentially become your own therapist.  I looked at my list and chose based on proximity to my house.  I knew that I would need to be making several visits per month and I didn't want driving to therapy to cause added anxiety.  I called.  The doctor himself answered.  I explained my situation, asked about CBT, and he told me that he loved CBT and it was one of his specialties.  Seemed to good to be true.  I scheduled my first appointment.  I was optimistic because I really wanted to get help.  But the bad psychologist experience was still fresh in my mind so I was cautiously optimistic.
The first session consisted of me telling Dr. S about my current fears, worries, etc.  He then told me the line of treatment he would take.  He gave me homework.  Something to work on during the week that would not only help me deal with panicky situations but begin to get me to think objectively.  He also told me to really think about the appointment, the therapy.  If I didn't think it would help me, I could let him know.  He also said that, from his experience, people with anxiety tend to do very well with CBT because they want to get better, they want to work on their wellness.  And I really, really did.
He told me to come back in a week.  I didn't want to leave!  If you see a therapist, you know what I mean.  For that hour I felt normal.  I felt calm.  I just wanted to hang out in the lobby, like, forever.  But I went home.  I worked on my homework.  I can't even remember what I was supposed to do that first week.
Dr. S showed me a picture of people on a roller coaster at one of those first appointments.  In the front car is a mom and child.  She is screaming and looks terrified and is clutching her child, who looks equally afraid.  The second car has people that are holding on, they look semi-afraid, but they are okay. The next car shows two people smiling, holding their arms up, really enjoying the ride.
At the time I was car number 1. We talked about how they were all on the same roller coaster but that each of them interrpreted it differently.  No one was going to die on the roller coaster.  It would go up, down and around and then safely come to a stop.  They would get off, go home, and life would go on.  Unless you are the terrified lady.  She can't get over the coaster ride.  Can't stop clutching her child, making her child afraid even though she thinks she is protecting her.  So I think my first homework assignment had something to do with stepping back from situations and seeing them through different eyes.  Driving on the highway?  Aaaahhhh!  I 'm going to die!!!  Wait.  What?  I 'm not?  It could be a fun trip where everything is fine?  Oh.  Okay.
Each week I would tell him how the week prior went.  We would go over how I dealt (or didn't deal) with anxiety-causing situations.  We would work on something new and I would have new homework.  At the time, my low-blood sugar episodes would cause me to feel out of it and then I would start to panic and be afraid that I wouldn't be able to take care of the boys.  Prior to starting with Dr. S I would sometimes end up calling my husband or mother-in-law, in tears, asking them to come to the house.
How to deal with that?  This seems torturous, and in a way, it is.  I wouldn't try it without first consulting with your own therapist, but, after many weeks, many sessions, it worked for me.  Dr. S had me say out loud exactly what I was afraid of, only I said it like I wanted it to happen:
Fear of not feeling real (from blood sugar, panic, etc.)
"I don't want to feel real."  "I want to freak out, panic, and have to stay home all the time."  "I don't want to take care of my kids."  "I want to cry, freak out and call my husband."
I would say that out loud, as many times as needed, and then what ended up happening is me saying "NO!  I don't want to panic,  shut down, and cry.  I want to be with my boys, have fun, take them places."  It really did work for me.  Again, over a many-month period, not over night.  It basically causes you to have a fight with that internal feeling of anxiety or panic.  The old devil on one shoulder, angel on the other.  Only, for me, it's panic Sally and calm Sally that duke it out.
This is just a small example of the CBT work that we did.  I spent a good year learning different coping skills, different ways of looking at things.
In the beginning I went once a week.  Once I was doing well with CBT and feeling better we went to every other week.  I remember the session when Dr. S pulled up his calendar, like he would do at the end of each session, usually saying something like "When can you come next week" or "Let's try going 2 weeks" but instead he said I should go 3 weeks.  What?!  It seemed like an eternity.  From what I remember, the first time he suggested I got wide-eyed and was like "no way" so he said to just keep it every other week.  Eventually, though, I did realize that I could make it for 3 whole weeks.  And then 4.  And then 6. It has always been up to me, the patient.  Even if Dr. S thinks I am doing better but I don't feel that way, then I can schedule when I want.   But I am jumping ahead.  I plan on sharing about stepping away from therapy as the final post in this series.
Next post will delve a little deeper into the time between those first few sessions and now.

Let me know your thoughts.  It's a big deal for me to share this.  It's embarrassing to have anxiety. We all want to appear as though we have it under control. But it's also so very common.  The more I share, the more I find this out.  I have always, ALWAYS, been looked to as the rock, the constant, the normal one. And I am.  I really am.  But I also have anxiety.  And that's okay.  I got this.

Let's Settle Down

I am in the middle of what I think of as snowball stress.  My family and I have a lot going on this weekend.  Beginning tomorrow afternoon and going all the way through until Sunday evening we will be in constant motion.  So, already, my mind is racing.  As I drove to work today I was thinking about tomorrow afternoon.  As I am thinking about tomorrow afternoon I begin to plan what will be for dinner tomorrow.  Oh, gosh, then it turns into meeting up with the babysitter at the right time and then baseball snacks and the game...eeeee!  See what I mean?  It's a snowball.  I know that everyone reading this knows exactly how I feel.  We all rush from one thing to the next and are constantly focused not on the present moment but what is going on tonight, tomorrow, next week or even next month.  Okay, so, how to fix it?  Thanks to CBT I am my own therapist, right?

First, lets take a look at my schedule.  As an outsider.


Tomorrow, yes, there is a lot going on.  Work.  Picking up the boys for a doctors appointment.  Baseball practice.  Getting a babysitter.  A night on the town for JF's rock and roll show.  Phew!
Okay, so, what?  

Sure, I will be running from place to place all day long.  But once we get the boys with the sitter the brakes can go on and we are on our own.  Headed to be reunited with lots of friends and good songs.  And Saturday?  Nothing on the books at all.  For some reason my mind skips past that day and zooms directly to Sunday, Ezra's first baseball game of the season.  And that's not til 6.

So, here is the lesson to be learned:

When my schedule gets really full I tend to focus just on the busy parts and not even notice the down time.  What I instead need to do is look at both scheduled and unscheduled times evenly.  Sure, Friday is busy, but once we get to the show that will be our stopping point.  And then a whole day of free time.  The snowball was taking me right past that and directly to the baseball game, skipping not only whatever fun adventures Saturday holds, but a Sunday morning of coffee and lounging with the fam.
So, when you get that snowball stress feeling, step back and really look at your schedule.  Take a breath.  Think about where you are right then and where you really will have to be in the coming days.  
You may just be surprised at how un-busy you are :)

I flew on an airplane! In the SKY!

It's funny the little mantras that help me throughout the day.  When I am feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or just having a crummy day I like to look back on what I have accomplished.  In the past two years I have done quite a bit to challenge myself in a healthy way and to not let my anxiety hold me back.  At first, going to the grocery store during a thunderstorm was a huge success.  Then driving to the city--by myself!!-- at night.  Small things that become obsessions then fears and then, finally, victories.
Last summer I was in a position where I had to either get continuing ed credits for my Pilates certification or obtain my next level of certification.  Pilates trainings are few and far between in the Kansas City area, especially those by Peak Pilates.  I knew that I was going to have to travel and travel far.  The nearest training locations last summer were Boulder or Austin.  My aunt lives in Austin so that seemed like a great choice.  Either way I was going to have to fly.  So, I enrolled in the training in Austin.  I booked my flights and made travel plans.  It was really happening!  Eeek!

Let me start this by saying:  I LOVE to fly.  I love buying tiny toiletries.  I love packing my suitcase.  I love rolling my suitcase through the airport, boarding the plane, sitting in my seat.  I love the feeling of taking off and landing, gazing out at the clouds and the endless blue sky. 


 Okay, then, so why was the idea of flying last year such a big deal?  Big enough of a deal to make my heart race, my palms sweat, and to even contemplate getting a note from my doctor to try and convince Peak Pilates to let me have an extension on my certification expiration?  Because I also have quite a bit of anxiety about flying.  I used to fly about once year and didn't really think twice about it.  But isn't that another thing anxiety robs us of?  Something that used to seem very easy and even fun becomes a big deal.  Something to anticipate with fear.  I like to feel like I am in control.  By stepping onto a plane I am automatically not in control.  The pilot is.  The weather is.  What if we don't land?  I can step back and logically say that everything will be fine.  But...what if?
And then comes my other, even greater, fear.  What if I am on the plane and I have a panic attack?  A fear of being in a confined space.  Here's how it plays out in my mind:
I have a seat.  The plane takes off.  And...suddenly I am panicking.  Most of us know the feeling.  Racing heart, sweaty, the feeling of wanting to escape.  But I can't on a plane.  If I were on the ground I could simply escape.  Go home, pull the covers over my head, and hide.  But on an airplane?  I'm stuck.  And then my imagination goes even further.  I'm crying, pacing, of course an air marshal is there and I am tasered.  Embarrassing.  Uncomfortable. CNN-worthy drama. And...completely unlikely to happen. 
Plus, deep down, I really wanted  to fly.  One of my long-term goals is to become a Peak Pilates teacher-trainer.  Meaning that I would train others to be Pilates instructors.  Teacher-trainers travel throughout the entire world for trainings.  I really don't think Peak would pay for me to take trains and boats in order to run a training.  So, in order to help me reach future goals I knew this was a fear I had to tackle head on.

So, how did I do it?  How did I go from wanting to cancel my training or drive 12 hours all by myself?  I talked to my therapist, of course :)  Here is what helped me successfully fly through the air:

In a car, or at work, I am essentially under the same "lockdown" that I was fearful of with flying.  I can't leave whenever I want.  While driving I have to wait until I arrive at my destination.  At work, I have to keep teaching until the class is over.  It's essentially the same with flying.  Have I ever felt panic while driving?  Of course!  What did I do to handle it?  Breathe.  Focus on something else (planning dinner for the next day, going over something I have memorized like a song or the mat order for Pilates helps me) until the car ride is over.  So, I sat back and asked myself these questions:

• How long is the flight?  About 90 minutes.
• Could I, if necessary, handle my panic symptoms for 90 minutes?  Yes.  Sure.  If I have to.
• What if I have a panic attack?  Okay...what if?  I will get my book out and read.  I will study my Pilates course work.  I will Instagram and play Fruit Ninja.

My carry on was packed with as many distractions as I could think of.  An easy-to-read book.  Martha Stewart Living.  People Magazine.  My coursework to study.  My iPod and iPod touch.  About 15 good luck charms.  And, you know what?  The plane took off, I teared up a bit because it was REALLY happening, and I was fine.  It really is like riding a bike.  But easier, you know, since your just sitting in a cushy seat and all.  I had a short lay-over in Dallas and then did it again.  Take off.  Drink a ginger ale.  Land.  Did I struggle at all?  Eh...not really on that first trip.  I went in September for the course and then November for the test.  When I went in November I did feel a little bit of panic on my flight home.  Why?  Because everything had been too perfect.  So, of course, that means that on my flight home I will die in a fiery crash, right? (btw--this is magical thinking and I am totally going to write about it soon.  You will be amazed.)  So, the last 20 minutes of my flight I was a little on edge, waiting for the plane to fall out of the sky.  But no one around me knew.  I looked out the window.  I listened to Better Than Ezra.  I drank water.  And we landed.  And it felt AMAZING!  Seriously.  If you suffer from any sort of fear or anxiety there is nothing, NOTHING, better than the feeling of conquering that fear.  Trust me.  I am sort of like a junkie now when it comes to conquering my fears.  It's hard to step out of your comfort zone but oh my gosh it feels so amazing once you have "lived" to tell the tale.   

Packed and waiting to board

There she is!

In the clouds, away from it all!

I look really scared here...but it's totally staged.  Promise.  I felt great!

One last thing.  To prepare for my flight I also used meditation.  I would lie down and close my eyes.  I would imagine myself in the car on the way to the airport.  Going through security.  Waiting to board and then boarding.  Sitting in my seat.  The flight taking off.  Sitting in the plane.  The plane landing and how great that would feel.  I did this nearly every day for about a month before the flight.  It helped because I would get those same nervous feelings just from imagining everything.  Isn't the mind funny?  Somewhere during that meditation a thought popped in my head.  "When you are in the air, you will be away from all of your fears and anxieties that you deal with each day.  It will be peaceful."
Oh, wow.  That helped me so much.  That single thought made me then WANT to fly and actually look forward to it.  Guess meditation really does work :)

I want to hear from you.  I love to hear from you.  What are your thoughts on flying?  What fears are holding you back?  What fear have you conquered and how did you feel afterwards?
Anything is possible.  Really.  If I was able to fly and not flip out and get tasered I can do anything!

Let's Be Honest...

I'm going to come clean about something.  It's not very personal-trainer-y.  It's not very Pilates Instructor-y.  And the whole "total body wellness" side?  Nope.  It's not that, either.  But it's the truth, it's how I feel, and I know there are many others that feel this way.

I feel fat.  Every day.  Sometimes all day.  The only time I don't feel fat is when I am at my goal weight (typically 119-122) and I have been eating more or less perfect.  I tend to feel this way after a long Pilates training weekend, after I have been very strict with my diet, or after being sick (haha).  Before you ask, yes, I do eat.  I eat all the time.  Around six small meals per day.  On the weekends, less meals, but bigger.  Just ask my husband.  I can put away pizza or ice cream or sushi in a flash.  But that's where I start to feel bad.  The guilty conscience of a healthy eater and fitness nut, I suppose.  I start to think about all of the bad calories, bad fat, the chemicals in the food.  I know what eating sugar does to the body.  So after eating a "bad" meal I feel guilty.  And then fat.  And then mad that I chose to eat, say, a couple slices of pizza and a piece of cake at a birthday party.  Sometimes I wish that for a day I could be a person that orders a value meal and thinks it's a wise choice.  Or has a donut for breakfast and doesn't think twice about it.  I know I am better off being aware of the foods I eat, but it's a lot to think about, isn't it?

And, I know, it's not just the healthy food vs. junk food aspect that makes me feel fat.  Like I was saying, if I am not at a certain weight and certain "feeling" I don't feel good.  I am working on having a more realistic body image.  The best compliment I can get is when someone says that I look too skinny.  If I don't hear that constantly then I assume that everyone thinks I am fat.  As a side note, I am working with my therapist to not project my feeling/insecurities onto those around me :)

So, for this one, I don't yet have an answer.  I don't know if I want one.  Through going to therapy I have learned about secondary gain.  Meaning that, the "benefit" from having an illness or problem is desirable to the individual (me).  If I am not worried about how I look, what I eat, and my weight, I could potentially gain weight and feel horrible.  So I could very well be choosing to not take a mentally healthier path because of that.  

Is fear keeping you from anything?

My therapist often says that anxiety makes your world very small.  I find that to be very true, at least for me and my anxiety. Just a few short years ago I felt like I was afraid of everything.  For my example today I will use my fear of vomiting.  Sorry.  Gross, I know.  But, it's one of my biggest fears.  Has been since I was a child.

When I was pregnant with Levi I came down with a stomach bug.  I got sick at work.  I got in my car to drive home, just about a twenty minute drive, and had to stop at two different gas stations (or was is 3?) to get sick.  At the time, yeah, it sucked, but I made it home and slept it off.  The thing with me, though, is that I often take a past experience and then dwell on it.  So, a couple years after that, Ezra had a stomach bug.  Then John came down with it.  I knew it was only a matter of time before I was sick.  That week was horrible.  I didn't eat.  I would be working and feeling just fine when the thought of "you know...the stomach flu is waiting for you." would creep in my head.  I would literally make myself feel sick ruminating on it.  Sweaty.  Mouth watering.  Nauseous.  I would leave work thinking I was going to be sick.  My heart would be pounding as I drove home.  I remember getting stuck at a stop light while on the phone with JF and screaming in to the phone "This is a nightmare!  I am stuck and going to get sick!" And...nothing.  Days later, after finally eating, I did end up going through the same bug they had.  But I would say the worrying about getting sick was worse than actually being sick.  After that my fear of vomiting, especially while away from home, continued to get worse.  I had dealt with a similar situation in high school that kept me from school and work.  This time around, in adulthood, it kept me from wanting to go anywhere.  An invitation to go out to lunch with a friend?  No way!  What if the food made me sick?  Going out for a run?  Ha!  I could start to feel nauseous and have no way of getting home.  I would get nervous on car rides.  Traffic jams, even just a small back-up, would send me in to a panic.  After a while, I just chose not to deal with it and wanted to stay home.  Here is where anxiety made my world small.  I was anxious about getting sick away from home.  So I let anxiety win.  I opted to not go anywhere, do anything, in favor of sitting at home "safe" from my fears.  But I wasn't safe.  I was missing so much.  A shopping trip with a friend.  A baseball game of my son's.  A favorite local race that I had done for years with a friend.  I rationalized that I didn't want to do any of those things anymore.  I was happy to be a home-body.  But there is a big difference between a home-body and being scared to move.  My world was shrinking.  I only went places when I absolutely had to.  I worked.  I went grocery shopping.  And although I appeared happy and at ease, internally I was a mess.  Checking and re-checking my feelings.  "Do I feel sick?"  "Am I going to get sick?"  "Will that food not settle well?"
And this is where cognitive behavioral therapy saved the day.  Once again, I am not a doctor.  So, I am sharing with you my personal story of what has worked for me, taught to me by my psychologist.  I hope that by sharing what works for me it will motivate my readers, although everyone is different.

When it comes to my fear of vomiting in public, here is what works for me.  It has also helped me with my fear of tornadoes, being stuck in traffic, among other things.  Self-talk can help in any situation where you are feeling scared.  Name what you are scared of.  Then address each portion of the fear and give rational ways that you could deal with the situation.  I do self-talk now, but the following conversation flows the way I have also talked with my doctor.  It really does help to learn from a psychologist first, and then practice on your own.

Here is a typical self-talk conversation I would have if I were scared of vomiting:


I am scared of vomiting while out in public.
How often do you really, really, vomit?
Eh...maybe once a year.
How do you feel before you get sick?  Does it just happen out of nowhere?
No...I experience the normal symptoms.  Sweaty, nauseous, heart racing, etc.
So you would know if was going to happen?
Yes...but what if I am in my car and can't get to a bathroom?
Well...what if?
Ummm...I would puke.  On the side of the road or in a shopping bag in my car.
Would it be the end of the world?
No.  But it would be gross.
That's right.  It would suck.  No one likes puking on the side of the road.  But if it happens, it happens.  You wouldn't be dead.  Life would go on.


I hope this gives you an idea of how to talk yourself out of being afraid.  It could work for many situations.  It has also really helped me with my fear of storms/tornadoes.  I now don't feel quite as stuck during storm season.  While I don't feel like I will ever be a storm chaser, I have learned to talk myself down and if I have plans to go out even if the weather is calling for storms, I have learned to keep going. 
It does get better.  It has been quite some time since I have let one of my fears hold me back.  That is not to say that I don't deal with this on a semi-regular basis.  I have just learned how to help myself not get stuck.
 Please feel free to share with me below.  If you have a fear that is holding you back I would love to have a dialogue with you on how you can calm your fears.  Email me if you don't want it to be in the comment bar for the world to see :)

Is fear keeping you from anything?  Has it in the past?  How did you get through it?