I'm going to come clean about something. It's not very personal-trainer-y. It's not very Pilates Instructor-y. And the whole "total body wellness" side? Nope. It's not that, either. But it's the truth, it's how I feel, and I know there are many others that feel this way.
I feel fat. Every day. Sometimes all day. The only time I don't feel fat is when I am at my goal weight (typically 119-122) and I have been eating more or less perfect. I tend to feel this way after a long Pilates training weekend, after I have been very strict with my diet, or after being sick (haha). Before you ask, yes, I do eat. I eat all the time. Around six small meals per day. On the weekends, less meals, but bigger. Just ask my husband. I can put away pizza or ice cream or sushi in a flash. But that's where I start to feel bad. The guilty conscience of a healthy eater and fitness nut, I suppose. I start to think about all of the bad calories, bad fat, the chemicals in the food. I know what eating sugar does to the body. So after eating a "bad" meal I feel guilty. And then fat. And then mad that I chose to eat, say, a couple slices of pizza and a piece of cake at a birthday party. Sometimes I wish that for a day I could be a person that orders a value meal and thinks it's a wise choice. Or has a donut for breakfast and doesn't think twice about it. I know I am better off being aware of the foods I eat, but it's a lot to think about, isn't it?
And, I know, it's not just the healthy food vs. junk food aspect that makes me feel fat. Like I was saying, if I am not at a certain weight and certain "feeling" I don't feel good. I am working on having a more realistic body image. The best compliment I can get is when someone says that I look too skinny. If I don't hear that constantly then I assume that everyone thinks I am fat. As a side note, I am working with my therapist to not project my feeling/insecurities onto those around me :)
So, for this one, I don't yet have an answer. I don't know if I want one. Through going to therapy I have learned about secondary gain. Meaning that, the "benefit" from having an illness or problem is desirable to the individual (me). If I am not worried about how I look, what I eat, and my weight, I could potentially gain weight and feel horrible. So I could very well be choosing to not take a mentally healthier path because of that.