Thursday, August 16, 2012

Let's Be Honest...

I'm going to come clean about something.  It's not very personal-trainer-y.  It's not very Pilates Instructor-y.  And the whole "total body wellness" side?  Nope.  It's not that, either.  But it's the truth, it's how I feel, and I know there are many others that feel this way.

I feel fat.  Every day.  Sometimes all day.  The only time I don't feel fat is when I am at my goal weight (typically 119-122) and I have been eating more or less perfect.  I tend to feel this way after a long Pilates training weekend, after I have been very strict with my diet, or after being sick (haha).  Before you ask, yes, I do eat.  I eat all the time.  Around six small meals per day.  On the weekends, less meals, but bigger.  Just ask my husband.  I can put away pizza or ice cream or sushi in a flash.  But that's where I start to feel bad.  The guilty conscience of a healthy eater and fitness nut, I suppose.  I start to think about all of the bad calories, bad fat, the chemicals in the food.  I know what eating sugar does to the body.  So after eating a "bad" meal I feel guilty.  And then fat.  And then mad that I chose to eat, say, a couple slices of pizza and a piece of cake at a birthday party.  Sometimes I wish that for a day I could be a person that orders a value meal and thinks it's a wise choice.  Or has a donut for breakfast and doesn't think twice about it.  I know I am better off being aware of the foods I eat, but it's a lot to think about, isn't it?

And, I know, it's not just the healthy food vs. junk food aspect that makes me feel fat.  Like I was saying, if I am not at a certain weight and certain "feeling" I don't feel good.  I am working on having a more realistic body image.  The best compliment I can get is when someone says that I look too skinny.  If I don't hear that constantly then I assume that everyone thinks I am fat.  As a side note, I am working with my therapist to not project my feeling/insecurities onto those around me :)

So, for this one, I don't yet have an answer.  I don't know if I want one.  Through going to therapy I have learned about secondary gain.  Meaning that, the "benefit" from having an illness or problem is desirable to the individual (me).  If I am not worried about how I look, what I eat, and my weight, I could potentially gain weight and feel horrible.  So I could very well be choosing to not take a mentally healthier path because of that.  


  1. I understand. I truly do. I was hospitalized when weighing only 87lbs at 5'4" when 14 years old. I was dying, and I still thought I was too "fat." I was losing all of my hair, bruised easily-even when just sitting down, and my heart was beating at 35 bpm. Yet, I didn't see what everyone else could. Miraculously, I recovered from anorexia nervosa. Now, I know I have ocd, and am on medications that cause severe weight gain. When I stop taking my meds, I lose weight instantly, but cannot eat, sleep, etc. I see myself constantly changing my hair or my style to try and feel better about myself. After having a baby, I have horrible stretch marks, which are hard to look past. When will I look in the mirror and like/love what I see? When will I learn to like and love myself?.....

    1. Thank you for sharing such a touching story. It seems like OCD and anorexia tend to go hand-in-hand, doesn't it? It is interesting how we beat ourselves up all the time when so often others view us as being beautiful. The mirror, the scale, can be such enemies. You may never completely feel comfortable looking in a mirror...I have my moments for sure! But I know you will become more comfortable in your body as you see what a miracle is truly is (new mama!)

  2. Wow, I love how honest you are! It's funny, because I look at you and think you're so thin and I feel chubby next to you. It's crazy how we can let ourselves be so quick to be critical of the way we look. I'm the same way about food- I know what good choices are and if I choose to eat something unhealthy, I obsess over that decision.
    Thanks for sharing- this post actually made me aware of how often I obsess over poor choices I make when it comes to food- I do the same thing with what I feed my kids too!

    1. Thanks! I try to be honest and share how I am feeling because, what I have found, is that everyone around me has similar feelings. I think learning to not project our feelings onto those around us is a big step! I tend to feel plain-jane next to you because your hair and make-up are fabulous. Funny...we are standing next to each other both worrying about how we look when we should just enjoy the moment.
      I think it is a blessing and a curse to be aware of the "junk" we put in our bodies. Good because we make wise choices, but bad because it takes away from the enjoyment of a cookie or a hot dog.
      It's all such a balancing act, but it seems like you are doing a great job =)


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